The Life Principles
The following article summarizes the four levels of love in the book, Healing the Culture: A Commonsense Philosophy of Happiness, Freedom, and the Life Issues (by Robert J. Spitzer, S.J., Ph.D.). This book provides the curriculum upon which our mission and activities are based.
The Four Levels of Love
by Marie Harkins and Camille Pauley
As with happiness, each of us has a natural desire to love and to be loved. In fact, love is the most common theme of human creativity, celebrated in the art, poetry, music, and literature of every age and culture. In many ways, love defines who we are as human persons; when we fail to understand its true meaning, we deprive ourselves of the greatest power we possess. (If you haven't read about the "Four Levels of Happiness" yet, we encourage you to do that first by clicking here.)
Love 1
Remember that Happiness 1 focuses on the desire for physical pleasure and possession. A Level 1 view of love does the same thing. While there's nothing wrong with "loving" the way someone makes you feel, or "loving" a baby because she is cute, human relationships need to be based on something deeper than our feelings, or they will be shallow and empty. Since Level 1 is based only on self-interest, it destroys any chance for real friendship and robs me of the authentic love that I was made to give and to receive. Level 1 love will also affect my view of sex. Physical attraction is certainly an important part of physical sexual expression; but if Level 1 is my only reason for living, love is quickly substituted with lust. My aggressive pursuit of physical pleasure and possession downgrades sex, leading me to view my "beloved" as an object, rather than as a dignified and unique human mystery.
Love 2
Happiness 2 is always looking for an ego-boost. Therefore, it equates love with being admired. Level 2 love says: "I love you because you think I'm pretty, talented, intelligent, athletic, strong, etc." It doesn't focus on the other person as a person. It focuses on the other for his or her ability to feed my need for recognition and self-esteem. Really, Level 2 love is nothing more than self-love. For example, saying "I love you" with a Level 2 attitude might actually mean "I love that you make it more possible for me to become powerful, wealthy, accomplished, smart, and respected." Even if I want to be powerful and respected for a good reason, using the other person to enhance my power or respectability is not love. In a sexual relationship, a focus on Level 2 causes me to see my "beloved" as a trophy, and I will be controlling and manipulative. When stuck in Level 1 or 2, sexual relationships will frequently not be open to children, or even to commitment, as the individuals wish to "keep their options open in case something better comes along."
Love 3
Just as Happiness 3 is focused on contribution beyond myself, Level 3 love attends to the needs of the other person, so that doing what is good for the other becomes easier than doing what is good for myself. Here, love is viewed with an attitude of service. Level 3 love says: "I love you; therefore, I am willing to put your needs ahead of my own." Because true love is "gift of self," it looks beyond the superficial to the intrinsic "loveable-ness" of another person. It demands sacrifice, commitment, and self-giving. In so doing, it fulfills the greatest capacity we possess as human beings: to give ourselves away in love. Here, sex is viewed as a fulfillment of the desire to give myself away to another person for the purpose of love. Because what I really want is love, I will see that commitment in sexual relationship becomes necessary. I realize that without commitment (i.e., marriage), there will not be enough trust to keep the very powerful sexual relationship healthy.
Love 4
As good as Love 3 is, if I look to it as my end, I will ultimately be left frustrated or disappointed. After all, imperfect human beings simply cannot fulfill the desire that each of us has for unconditional love. We must look for perfect love in what is actually perfect - in God. Level 4 love allows me to say to every human person, "I love you because you are created in the image of God, made for human and divine love, and destined for eternity." Then, it allows me to look to God and say, "I love you because you are the fulfillment of my every desire. In fact, you are the fulfillment of everyone's desires. You are Unconditional Love." From this deeper understanding, love means being able to let go of people, into the arms of God. I no longer have to smother people by trying to be for them what I cannot be, or grasping at them by trying to make them be for me what they cannot be. This "letting go" allows me to see the unique dignity and immeasurable value of every human person, helps me reach out to others without trying to be their "savior," and makes me more responsive to God in my own life. Sex in Level 4 includes the other three levels of love (attraction, a sense of being wanted, and giving myself away to the other in an exclusive commitment), but more than that, this perspective allows me to invite God into the sexual union so that He can use our mutual gifts to bring new life into the world, and to bring us both closer to His generous heart.
© Copyright 2005 Healing the Culture. All rights reserved. Marie Harkins is past Director of Administration for Healing the Culture and currently contributes to special projects. Camille Pauley is the co-founder and President of Healing the Culture.
The preceding article summarizes the four levels of love in the book, Healing the Culture: A Commonsense Philosophy of Happiness, Freedom, and the Life Issues (by Robert J. Spitzer, S.J., Ph.D.). This book provides the curriculum upon which our mission and activities are based.
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